Fizzing Whizbees
by aestel
Summary: A collection of humorous oneshots. Many of these snippets leap into my brain as a result of reading too much fanfiction, and as such they are satire to some extent... but don't worry, they're hopefully more funny than pointed.
1. Conversation with a Minor Character

Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction and not meant to be taken seriously. Harry Potter, etc. belongs to J.K. Rowling, and if you didn't know that, you've been living under a rock. No characters were harmed in the making of this fanfiction.

FIZZING WHIZBEES: CONVERSATIONS WITH A MINOR CHARACTER 

"Professor Granger… _Hermione_," the headmistress corrected, looking down her spectacles at the red-nosed young woman sitting before her. "I think of you as one of my best students and a capable professor… but surely there are better people to turn to for motherly advice than _me_. Your own mother, for instance…"

"She thinks I've gone out of my mind," Hermione interrupted. "Dating a man Dad's age."

"I see," Minerva said, momentarily taken aback. "Well, how about Molly Weasley?"

"She hasn't spoken to me since I broke it off with Ron—unless you count the Howlers."

_So this is how it is going to be, _Minerva thought, unconsciously drawing herself up straighter in her chair. "What about someone your own age? Ginny Weasley, for instance?"

Hermione sniffed primly. "Ginny calls him the 'git from the pit' and says I'm better off without him."

"I remember you were friendly with Nymphadora Tonks."

"Told me in no uncertain terms that she thinks I've gone barmy."

Minerva was swiftly running out of options. It wasn't exactly as if Miss Granger had a great many female friends to begin with. "What about Luna Lovegood?" she asked in desperation.

"She keeps mumbling on about Snarhooks' noses and squid ointment," Hermione said with an expression like triumph. "So you see, even though you've lived a schoolmistress's existence your entire life, I thought perhaps you could give me advice on how to mend things with Severus."

Minerva felt her jaw clench involuntarily. "Perhaps I have not made myself clear, Hermione. I do not _ever_ want to think about Severus Snape having a sex life, much less discuss with you how to improve it. I'm afraid you're on your own here, my girl, and if you insist on fixing things, I strongly suggest you make use of that much-touted brain of yours and do it yourself."

Hermione's eyes widened and McGonagall was certain she was about to launch into an argument in protest. A raised hand preempted that.

"And _furthermore_," Minerva said, "should you and Professor Snape at any time decide to mend your relationship, Slytherin House requests that you employ silencing spells."

Cheeks ablaze, Hermione rose and nodded perfunctorily before fleeing the room. "Thank you for your time, Headmistress."

"Good afternoon, Miss Granger."

* * *

AN: If you are concerned about "Yes, but..." or wondering what had happened to me, see the note on my profile.

Otherwise, this one-shot is complete and I have no intention of carrying it any further. If you want to, go right ahead - just credit me and link back (dropping me a line to let me know about it would be cool, too).


	2. Firewhisky and Frumious Gripples

FIZZING WHIZBEES: FIREWHISKY AND FRUMIOUS GRIPPLES

"But the bit I really hate about them," Draco muttered almost to himself as he accepted the firewhisky bottle from Potter and paused to take a long drink, "is the way they go about their smug little lives absolutely bloody certain that they're the greatest beings on this planet."

"But the Muggle Protection Act of 728 prohibits interaction with Muggles and has been largely considered to have predicated-"

"Oh sod it, Granger, don't you think I bloody well know that? But they should know…"

"What, so they can worship us properly as superior beings?" Potter asked scornfully.

"I'll leave the worship to you, Potter. I just want acknowledgment."

"I'm just saying that it's our own laws that have caused this situation." Hermione Granger insisted.

"This isn't about laws; it's about… it's about feelings."

Ron Weasley pried Draco's fingers from the neck of the Ogden's bottle. "I think you've had enough, mate. Let me just get this straight – you hate Muggles because they hurt your feelings? "

"That's not what I-"

"It only makes sense, you know." Luna Lovegood interrupted in a dreamy voice.

Draco was momentarily taken aback by the idea of someone coming to his defense on this particular issue. "Thank you, Luna."

The young woman smiled benignly at him. "That's how the Frumious Gripples feel about us, after all."

Neville Longbottom raised his head and stared bleary-eyed at Lovegood. "The whats?"

"The Frumious Gripples," she repeated. "They are invisible giants that have lived in North-Western Europe since before our ancestors migrated here. They're most famous for constructing large circles of rocks as seats for playing tiddlywinks. Some have theorized that they use their own magic to continue to live here unobserved by us."

"Oh," Longbottom said, lowering his head onto his hands again.

"Yes, well…" Hermione Granger started before thinking better of it and cutting herself off.

Draco thought about it for a moment and then smiled at the young woman across from him. "Thanks again, Luna. That was strangely profound." Then he reached out for the bottle of firewhisky again. "Give that back, mate."

* * *

A/N: Set in a world we'll probably never see, where Malfoy joins our crew to sit around and drink and debate on more-or-less friendly terms (with all of them being alive). And yes, I know the argument should've been made that Muggles aren't inferior to Wizard-kind at all. But I didn't think any in this crew would've made the argument and I didn't have Arthur Weasley handy. 

Anyway, this drabble is complete in my mind. Feel free to use it as a springboard, with the terms as mentioned in the first chapter.


End file.
